Sunday, November 20, 2005

Masquerade...

A new beginning...

What you see do not always seem as they appear, and at times it turns out to hurt you when you see the real truth.

I thought I was open minded and more accepting of things, trying to find things out before judging, but at this present day I come to hate how judgemental I am. I am quick to judge and quick tempered.

Ten years ago, I was quite the opposite, I was also blind to some things too. At the same time I was able to pick up vibes and read some people before everyone else can see how apparent they really were.

It's just strange how one person's greed can bring out the worst, even though their greed and meanness have always been there, in a whole family. We were all close and loving, we enjoyed being around eachother's company, we were siblings. Well we still are siblings but not how we used to be and I guess now they do have their own families, it is easier to concentrate on them than to worry about "what used to be".

It hurts, my heart actually aches each year, when a birthday passes, a holiday, an anniversary, whether it be a wedding or memorial anniversary. The thing is, it is most of the year as we have such a large family, I have 8 living siblings in all and their spouses, their kids and their spouses and now their children. We do see eachother time and time again but not as we did before... happily.

In about the last decade and a half there has been a dark cloud each time we gather because of that one person who destroyed our comraderie, our ... I don't know how to describe it, it's just not there anymore. We love eachother and in the same breath there is the underlying animosity and sadness. This had been mainly contained within the 8 siblings including me, but it roped in some of the spouses... but somehow it has affected our nieces and nephews now and gatherings have been unpleasant for them that they don't even look forward to it.

It hasn't discouraged them themselves from gathering, which I am glad about that, but as a whole family event.

This year I had an idea to "fix" some of the hurt and hopefully bring some healing. Some of the problems at the gatherings is everyone separating into different rooms or groups and not gathering as a group and bonding. Our Christmas Eve gatherings has suffered the most, so instead of watching TV, hanging out here and there. I thought why not bring a video or two of Christmas past or just old videos of family events, bring some photo albums and look at old photos and remember the ones who are not with us. This would be a bonding and strengthening of old bonds with the older and younger family.

The younger family will get to know about what went on when they were kids and learn more about relatives that have passed on, a family history, and why these people were so important in our lives. I would love it, though I don't know about the younger kids but I think they would if you talk about how they were when they were kids. It's fun talking about them too!

I want this to be a new beginning of sorts... a new blog start, but I do miss the good old days. Life seems so much simpler then.